Stoicism 4 – Week 4: Family

Not yet trial-taught Not yet expert-reviewed

This week: everyone at home carries several roles at once: child, parent, spouse, sibling, grandchild. This week, each day choose one role and do one thing that role asks of you, without waiting for the other person to do their part first. And each day spend at least 10 minutes fully with someone in your family, without your phone.

Measurable goal: one task from a role and 10 phone-free minutes with someone in your family each day, on at least 5 of 7 days.

1. Traditional teaching

[Traditional teaching] Stoicism teaches that we do not choose the people we are born among and live with, but we do choose how we behave towards them. Marcus Aurelius wrote himself a short reminder; Epictetus taught his students to find their duty in the relationship itself.

Reading it in context

• "Do it truly [sincerely]": the word in square brackets was added by the translator, George Long, to make the meaning clear. Marcus reminds himself not to love in words only.
• The part left out […] of chapter XXX is about a father: Epictetus says to look after him, give way to him, and submit even when he reproaches you or strikes you, even if he is a bad father. The course does not follow this. No one has to put up with violence in the family, whether from parents, a spouse or children. If you are being hit, threatened or controlled, get help now.
• "Maintain your own position" means doing your part properly in your role, not keeping silent about wrongdoing, nor losing out for ever. Setting clear boundaries, saying plainly what you need, or keeping away for a while from someone who is hurting you are also ways of maintaining your position.
• [Expert judgement] Stoicism is sometimes misread as being cold and not showing affection. Marcus’s line points the other way: loving truly is part of living according to our nature.

2. What science finds

• We have not found a peer-reviewed study that evaluates Epictetus’s "duty by role" practice in families directly.
• [Verified] A pre-registered 2022 study (1,307 people in 3 countries) found that a popular but mistaken reading of Stoicism, wanting to show fewer emotions and to feel less, went with lower well-being. This is a correlation. (Karl et al. 2022)
• [Inference] So this week’s exercise is not about suppressing feelings to keep the peace at home, but about doing your part with real affection.

Limits: the exercise rests on ancient texts and on practitioners’ experience; there is no direct scientific evidence for it yet.

3. Practice for adults

About 15 minutes a day.

1. Read (first time, 3 minutes). Read the two passages and the context slowly.
2. List your roles (5 minutes, once). Write down your roles at home. Next to each role, write one thing it asks of you that you have been forgetting lately. For example: "child: call my mother"; "father: listen to my son’s story about school to the end"; "husband: ask my wife how her day was".
3. One task from a role each day. Pick one line from your list and do it. If the other person is annoying you, ask Epictetus’s question: "What must I do to act rightly in my role?" (This does not apply when the other person is harming you; see Stop practising if.)
4. 10 full minutes. Leave your phone in another room. Be with someone in your family: eat together, walk together, play with your child, listen to a grandparent’s stories.
5. One line (2 minutes, evening). Which role did I keep today? With whom did I spend 10 full minutes?

4. Kids' corner 6+

Game: "Our home" (5–10 minutes, with an adult)

1. With your child, draw a big house, and inside it each person in the family (pets too, if you like).
2. Next to each person, the child says one thing that person does for the family: "Mum cooks", "Grandpa waters the plants", "my little brother makes everyone laugh".
3. Ask: "And what do you do for the family?" The child chooses one thing to do tomorrow.
4. The adult also says one thing they will do for the child tomorrow, and keeps their word.

If the family is going through separation, loss or conflict, let the child choose whom to draw, and don’t press them with questions.

5. Stop practising if

• You feel panic, have traumatic flashbacks, a lasting sense that you or the world are "not real", many sleepless nights, or thoughts of harming yourself.
• There is violence, threats, controlling behaviour or abuse in your home. The "keep your role" exercise is not meant for this situation. Your safety and your children’s safety come before any other duty.
• The exercise makes you feel you are a "bad son, bad father, bad mother". Then keep only the 10 full minutes.
• In that case stop practising and see Get help now.

6. Foundation skills on daynentang

To remember who can be there for you in hard times, daynentang has a lesson: Kết nối, người mình có thể nhờ (Connecting with people you can ask; in Vietnamese).

7. Practice for today

Write one of your roles at home and one thing it asks of you that you will do today.

Science sources

• Karl JA, Verhaeghen P, Aikman SN, Solem S, Lassen ER, Fischer R (2022). Misunderstood Stoicism: The negative association between Stoic ideology and well-being. Journal of Happiness Studies, 23(7), 3531–3547. doi:10.1007/s10902-022-00563-w