Stoicism 3 – Week 5: Those who went before

Not yet trial-taught Not yet expert-reviewed

Before you start: this level 3 course deals with death and loss. If you are newly bereaved, seriously ill, or having thoughts of dying or harming yourself, please save the course for another time and see Get help now straight away.

If you have lost someone close this year: please save this week for another time. This lesson is not meant for fresh grief.

This week: see yourself as one link between those who went before and those who come after. Choose someone who went before you and whom you are grateful to: a grandparent, a teacher, an older friend, or people you never met who built the road you walk on. Write them a thank-you letter (unsent), then carry on something they left.

Measurable goal: write one unsent thank-you letter, and do something that carries on what that person left on at least 3 days this week.

1. Traditional teaching

[Traditional teaching] Stoicism teaches that human beings are part of nature: we arrive, live, and leave like every other living thing. Marcus Aurelius often reminded himself of those who went before him, so as to live his own span in step with nature and with gratitude.

Reading it in context

• At the start of section 48, Marcus lists physicians, astrologers, philosophers, heroes, tyrants and even cities that are gone. His point: no one, however powerful, stands outside the cycle of arriving and leaving.
• [Expert judgement] The end of section 48 contains a harsh image of the frailty of the body that the course does not quote. The course keeps the image of the olive: a full life goes with gratitude, not contempt.
• If your family has a custom of remembering grandparents and ancestors, the exercise can sit alongside that custom. This course does not replace or discuss the rites of any tradition.
• Do not choose someone who died recently, someone you are still grieving, or someone whose relationship with you was hurtful. The exercise is for gratitude, not for reopening pain.

2. What science finds

• [Verified] A meta-analysis of 14 studies of bereaved adults (non-violent loss): about 9.8% (95% confidence interval 6.8–14.0%) were at risk of prolonged grief disorder, meaning grief that does not ease and gets in the way of life for a long time. The studies varied a lot in method. (Lundorff et al. 2017)
• [Inference] So most bereaved people gradually adapt over time, but about 1 in 10 need help. If, after many months, grief for someone you have lost still fills most of your days, please see a mental health professional. This week’s exercise is not a treatment for prolonged grief.
• [Verified] Reminiscence and life-review programmes (128 controlled trials) reduced depression and increased the sense of one’s life as whole by a moderate amount; mostly in older adults, with guidance. (Pinquart & Forstmeier 2012)

3. Practice for adults

About 30 minutes a day.

1. Slow reading (5 minutes). Read the second passage. Underline "thanking the tree on which it grew".
2. Draw your tree (10 minutes, once). Draw a tree. At the roots, write the names of people who went before you and whom you are grateful to (family, teachers, and also people whose names you do not know: those who built the roads, who wrote the books you read). On the branches, write the people living around you now.
3. An unsent thank-you letter (15 minutes, once). Choose one person from the roots. Write: what I received from you is…; it has helped me to…; what I want to carry on is… The letter is not sent, and no one else needs to read it.
4. Carry it on (each day, 10–20 minutes). Do something that continues what that person left: cook a dish your grandmother taught you, tell your child one of your grandfather’s stories, teach someone what a teacher taught you.
5. Write it down (5 minutes, evening). What did I carry on today; how did it feel.

4. Kids' corner 6+

Game: "Ripe fruit, new seed" (5–10 minutes, with an adult)

1. Eat a ripe fruit with seeds together with the child (papaya, orange, pomelo, custard apple…). Keep a few seeds aside.
2. Rinse the seeds, plant them in a cup of soil, water them, and put the cup in a sunny place.
3. Ask: "What tree did this fruit grow on? What could this seed become?"
4. Look at the cup together each day; when a shoot comes up, draw it.

Talk only about trees, fruit, seeds and seasons. Do not talk about the death of people or pets, or about separation.

5. Stop practising if

• You feel panic, have flashbacks of trauma, have a lasting sense that you or the world are "not real", lose sleep for several nights, or have thoughts of harming yourself or of dying.
• The exercise brings back a loss that has not healed, or makes you more afraid of losing loved ones. Then stop this week and talk to someone you trust.
• If you have a history of psychosis, bipolar disorder or severe PTSD, ask a doctor before practising for more than 20 minutes.
• If so, stop and see Get help now.

6. Foundation skills on daynentang

When you miss someone who has died, don’t stay alone with the sadness. daynentang has a lesson to help you remember who can be there for you: Kết nối, người mình có thể nhờ (in Vietnamese).

7. Practice for today

Write the name of one person who went before you and whom you are grateful to, and one thing they left that you can carry on today.

Science sources

• Lundorff M, Holmgren H, Zachariae R, Farver-Vestergaard I, O'Connor M (2017). Prevalence of prolonged grief disorder in adult bereavement: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 212, 138–149. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2017.01.030
• Pinquart M, Forstmeier S (2012). Effects of reminiscence interventions on psychosocial outcomes: a meta-analysis. Aging & Mental Health, 16(5), 541–558. doi:10.1080/13607863.2011.651434