Stoicism 2 – Week 7: Attachment and loss

Not yet trial-taught Not yet expert-reviewed

This week: practise the discipline of desire with things you value. Each evening choose one thing (an object, a place, a habit, a stage of life) and write: this is "on loan" for this season; today I cherished it by doing this.

Measurable goal: note at least one thing "on loan" and one way you cherished it, on at least 5 of 7 evenings.

If you are grieving or have had a recent major loss: please save this week for another time. This lesson is not meant for fresh grief.

1. Traditional teaching

[Traditional teaching] Stoicism teaches that much of the suffering in loss comes from treating what we love as ours for ever. Epictetus does not tell learners to stop loving; he tells them to remember that what they love has been given to them for a season.

Reading it in context

• Epictetus still tells the learner to "endeavor to stop the sorrow of another as far as I can". This lesson does not teach indifference to loved ones.
• [Expert judgement] This chapter has very harsh lines that the course does not quote: Epictetus scorns people who weep at parting from loved ones as "children", and speaks of women with contempt that was common in his time. tamhonkhoe does not follow those lines. Sadness at loss is a normal human response.
• [Verified] A 2022 study (Karl et al.) found that reading Stoicism as "suppressing emotions" goes with lower well-being. This week’s exercise is not about forcing yourself not to be sad.
• Later in the chapter, Epictetus advises saying silently, while kissing your child, that the child may die tomorrow. This course does not practise that. Death is the subject of Stoicism 3, which is not yet open.
• A "fig in its season" in the Mediterranean is like lychees or mangoes in their season in Vietnam: they come in their season and go when it ends.

2. What science finds

• [Verified] A pre-registered study of 1,307 people in New Zealand, Norway and the USA: wanting to show fewer emotions and wanting to feel less went with lower well-being. This is correlational. (Karl et al. 2022)
• [Verified] Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which includes accepting what cannot be changed, is effective for anxiety and depression according to a review of 20 meta-analyses. (Gloster et al. 2020)
• [Inference] ACT is a guided therapy. Its results do not prove that the "on loan" exercise here works the same way, and it is not a substitute for support while grieving.

3. Practice for adults

About 20 minutes a day.

1. Slow reading (3 minutes). Read the second passage. Underline "at the appointed season of the year".
2. One thing on loan (10 minutes, evening). Choose something you value: the vehicle you take to work, the home you rent, a walk with a friend, the years when your children are small, the health to do what you love. Write: "___ is on loan for this season." Start with light things; do not choose the health or life of a loved one.
3. Cherish it today (5 minutes). Write one thing you did today, or will do tomorrow, to use and care for it well: clean the vehicle, call your friend to plan a walk, read a story to your child.
4. Whose sorrow (when it comes up). If someone close to you was sad or upset today, write two lines following the first passage: "What I can do for them is . What is theirs is ."
5. Tick it. At the end of the week, count the evenings you wrote; the goal is at least 5 of 7.

4. Kids' corner 6+

Game: "Fruits of the seasons" (5–10 minutes, with an adult)

1. Name with the child fruits that only come in one season (lychees, mangoes, plums, persimmons...).
2. Draw a circle split into four seasons and draw each fruit in its season.
3. Ask: "What happens when lychee season ends? Are we sad? What about next year?"
4. Finish with: "What do you like that only comes in this season?" (going to the beach in summer, the mid-autumn festival...)

Talk only about fruit, seasons, toys and festivals. Do not talk about loved ones dying or about separation.

5. Stop practising if

• You feel panic, have flashbacks of trauma, have a lasting sense that you or the world are "not real", lose sleep for several nights, or have thoughts of harming yourself.
• The exercise makes you more afraid of losing loved ones, or brings back a loss that has not healed. Then stop this week and talk to someone you trust.
• If so, stop and see Get help now.

6. Foundation skills on daynentang

When you are sad, don’t stay alone with it. daynentang has a lesson to help you remember who can be there for you: Kết nối, người mình có thể nhờ (in Vietnamese).

7. Practice for today

Write one sentence: "___ is on loan for this season." Then do one small thing to cherish it today.

Science sources

• Karl JA, Verhaeghen P, Aikman SN, Solem S, Lassen ER, Fischer R (2022). Misunderstood Stoicism: The negative association between Stoic ideology and well-being. Journal of Happiness Studies, 23(7), 3531–3547. doi:10.1007/s10902-022-00563-w
• Gloster AT, Walder N, Levin ME, Twohig MP, Karekla M (2020). The empirical status of acceptance and commitment therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 18, 181–192. doi:10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.09.009