Convergence 1 – Week 10: Accepting change

Not yet trial-taught Not yet expert-reviewed

This week: read three short passages slowly, and each day split three worries into the part you can change and the part you cannot.

Measurable goal: sort three worries a day, on at least 5 of 7 days.

1. Traditional teaching

Week 9 practised loosening the self that wants to be first. Week 10 practises loosening the self that wants everything to go its way: health, work, children and loved ones all change, and much of it is not in our hands. The three traditions below all teach accepting this, but from three very different foundations of belief.

Stoicism: what is in our power and what is not

[Traditional teaching] The Encheiridion (Handbook) summarises the teaching of Epictetus, a former slave. Its first chapter divides all things into two kinds, and this tradition teaches that peace comes from treating as our own only what is truly in our power.

A note on context: the course Stoicism 1, Week 1 reads this chapter and its last paragraph closely. [Inference] "The body" is in the "not in our power" column: Epictetus is not saying we should not look after our bodies, but that the final outcome (sickness or health) is not wholly ours to decide.

Buddhism: all conditions are impermanent

[Traditional teaching] Verse 277 of the Dhammapada is the first of three well-known verses on the three marks of all things: impermanence, suffering and not-self. This tradition teaches that seeing impermanence clearly with wisdom is part of the path to liberation.

A note on context: the next two verses (278–279) say that all conditions are suffering and that all things are not-self. [Inference] "Disillusioned" here does not mean being weary of life, but no longer clinging to what does not last.

Islam: Allah lays on no soul more than it can bear

[Traditional teaching] The last verse of chapter 2 (Al-Baqarah) is known by heart by many Muslims. This tradition teaches that people do their part and entrust the rest to Allah (tawakkul), trusting that He gives no one more than they can bear.

A note on context: the verse is quoted in full, including the closing prayer, to match the Vietnamese page, whose translation may not be cut. Pickthall's rendering is one interpretation of the meaning; Muslims generally regard only the Arabic as the Qur'an itself. [Inference] In this tradition acceptance is not giving up: believers remain responsible for what they do, and ask Allah for help.

Where the traditions differ

[Expert judgement] All three teach facing what we cannot change. But they differ on these points:

You do not need to accept the beliefs of any tradition to do this exercise, and the week should not be read as saying the three traditions are "really the same".

2. What science finds

• [Verified] A review of 20 meta-analyses of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a psychological therapy that includes accepting what cannot be changed: ACT works for anxiety, depression, chronic pain and substance use, about as well as cognitive behavioural therapy. The quality of the meta-analyses varies. (Gloster et al. 2020)
• [Verified] A meta-analysis of 39 randomised trials (1,821 people with mental or physical health problems): ACT did better than control conditions (g = 0.57), and was not clearly different from cognitive behavioural therapy. (A-Tjak et al. 2015)
• [Inference] ACT is a therapy guided by a professional and includes many skills. This week's exercise borrows only one idea: separating what can and cannot be changed. Do not treat it as ACT.

Limits: the figures are averages across many different studies and do not predict what will happen for any one person. If anxiety already makes it hard to work, sleep or get through the day, see a professional.

3. Practice for adults

About 10 minutes a day.

1. Read slowly (2 minutes). Choose one of the three passages. Read it slowly twice, the second time quietly aloud.
2. Sit still (1 minute). Know the breath going in and out.
3. Sort three worries (5 minutes). Write down three things you are worried about. Split each into two parts: "the part I can change" and "the part I cannot change". For example, "my parents are getting frail": taking them to the doctor and calling every week are the part you can change; their growing older is the part you cannot.
4. Two closing lines (2 minutes). - For the part you can change: write one small step you will take this week. - For the part you cannot change: say a sentence silently, for example "This is changing, and it is not in my hands." If you have a faith, you can use a prayer from your own tradition.

Note: [Expert judgement] acceptance does not mean putting up with everything. If you are being treated unfairly or harmed, seeking help and asking for change belong in the "can change" column.

4. Kids' corner 6+

Game: "Falling leaves" (5–10 minutes, with an adult playing too)

1. Adult and child collect a few leaves in the yard or park: green, yellow and brown.
2. Arrange the leaves together by colour, from green to brown.
3. The adult asks: "Do you know how leaves change colour?" Together, name other things that change: the sky, the seasons, how tall you are, the tree outside.
4. The child picks the prettiest leaf to stick in a notebook.

Talk only about changes in trees, seasons, objects and the child growing up. Do not bring death into the game. If the child asks, answer briefly, gently and truthfully. If the child gets bored, stop the game.

daynentang also has a lesson, Looking after my plant (in Vietnamese), for families with children aged 2–8.

5. Stop practising if

• You feel panic, have flashbacks of trauma, have a lasting sense that you or the world are "not real", lose sleep for several nights, or have thoughts of harming yourself.
• Writing down worries makes you worry more, and you cannot stop going round in circles.
• If so, stop and see Get help now.
• If you have a history of psychosis, bipolar disorder or severe PTSD, ask a doctor before increasing sitting time beyond 20 minutes.

6. Foundation skills on daynentang

daynentang has a lesson, Lo lắng và suy nghĩ vòng vo (worry and going round in circles), with practical steps for when a worry keeps coming back. It is currently in Vietnamese only; your browser's translate option can help.

7. Practice for today

Pick one thing that did not go your way today. Say silently: "This part I can do: ___. The rest I will leave where it is."

Scientific sources

• Gloster AT, Walder N, Levin ME, Twohig MP, Karekla M (2020). The empirical status of acceptance and commitment therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 18, 181–192. doi:10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.09.009
• A-Tjak JG, Davis ML, Morina N, Powers MB, Smits JA, Emmelkamp PM (2015). A meta-analysis of the efficacy of acceptance and commitment therapy for clinically relevant mental and physical health problems. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 84(1), 30–36. doi:10.1159/000365764