Stoicism 4 – Week 2: Anger

Not yet trial-taught Not yet expert-reviewed

This week: when you are annoyed with someone at home or at work, practise a "delay": say nothing, send nothing and decide nothing until the annoyance settles. During the delay, ask the two questions Seneca suggests: do I know this for sure, or have I only been told? Have I ever done something similar?

Measurable goal: note one delay before reacting when annoyed each day (or note "not annoyed today"), on at least 5 of 7 days.

1. Traditional teaching

[Traditional teaching] Stoicism teaches that anger comes with a hasty judgement: that the other person meant to harm us and that we must strike back. In his work On Anger, Seneca offers many ways to stop that hasty judgement before it becomes words and actions.

Reading it in context

• Seneca wrote On Anger for his brother Novatus. For Seneca and the Stoics in general, anger is never useful and should be uprooted. [Expert judgement] Psychology today sees it differently: feeling angry is normal, and sometimes a sign that something unfair needs to be said. The course does not ask you to stop feeling angry; the exercise only delays words and actions while you are angry.
• "No one of us is faultless" is a reminder to judge less hastily, not a reason to blame yourself or to accept being treated badly. In the same chapter Seneca also advises believing that those who scold us are right. The course does not follow that when you are being insulted, harassed or hurt: then anger is telling you that something needs to stop, and what to do is to keep safe and get help, not to search for your own faults.
• [Inference] "We ought to be slow to believe what is told us" fits today’s workplaces: forwarded messages, stories passed on by a third person, cropped screenshots. Delay your reaction until you can ask the person involved.

2. What science finds

• [Verified] A meta-analysis of 154 studies (184 samples, 10,189 people): activities that calm the body (slow breathing, mindfulness, relaxation…) reduced anger and aggression by a moderate amount (g = −0.63); activities that raise arousal (hitting a punch bag, running to "let off steam") were ineffective overall (g = −0.02). The results do not support the idea of "venting" anger. (Kjærvik & Bushman 2024)
• [Inference] That study did not measure Seneca’s "delay" as such. A delay may help because it gives the body time to calm down before we speak or act, but this has not been tested directly.

3. Practice for adults

A few minutes each time you are annoyed, 3 minutes in the evening.

1. Read (first time, 3 minutes). Read the two passages slowly. Choose a short line to remember, for example "the greatest remedy is delay".
2. Set your delay rule. Write it in advance: "When I am annoyed, I will not reply to messages, send email or say anything decisive for at least ___ minutes." Choose a number you can manage (5, 15 or 30 minutes; for big matters, it can be after a night’s sleep).
3. During the delay. Leave the spot if you can, drink some water, take a few steps. Ask: (a) did I see this myself or was I told? (b) have I asked the person involved? (c) have I ever done something similar?
4. After the delay. If you still need to speak, say what actually happened and what you need, without attributing bad intentions to the other person.
5. Note it (3 minutes, evening). What annoyed me today? How long did I delay? After the delay, what did I do differently from what I first meant to do?

4. Kids' corner 6+

Game: "Red light, amber light, green light" (5–10 minutes, with an adult)

1. With your child, draw three circles on paper: red, amber, green.
2. Explain: when you are cross, red light: stop your hands, no hitting, no throwing. Amber light: count slowly from 1 to 10, take a sip of water. Green light: use words, "I’m cross because…".
3. The adult tells a small made-up story (a friend takes your pencil, your little brother knocks over your Lego tower); the child points to each light and says what they would do.
4. Stick the paper somewhere easy to see. Next time the child is cross, the adult points to the red light instead of scolding.

The adult shows how: when you are cross yourself, say aloud "I’m on amber".

5. Stop practising if

• You feel panic, have traumatic flashbacks, a lasting sense that you or the world are "not real", many sleepless nights, or thoughts of harming yourself.
• Your anger has ever led to hitting someone, breaking things or making others afraid. This exercise is not enough then; please see a mental health professional.
• Someone is insulting, threatening or hitting you at home or at work. This exercise does not ask you to put up with it or to blame yourself; get help.
• In that case stop practising and see Get help now.

6. Foundation skills on daynentang

When anger rises too fast, daynentang has a 1–3 minute lesson: Anchoring when emotions run high (in Vietnamese). The home page for acute anger and quick calming skills is on daynentang; here we only link to it.

7. Practice for today

Write your delay rule: "When I am annoyed, I will not ___ for at least ___ minutes."

Science sources

• Kjærvik SL, Bushman BJ (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: What fuels or douses rage? Clinical Psychology Review, 109, 102414. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102414