tamhonkhoe.comConvergence 1 – Week 9: Letting go of self
Published after review by the project owner. No reviewer from within a tradition has checked this page yet.
This week: read three short passages slowly, and each day do one small thing that puts yourself second: let someone else speak first, or admit a small mistake of your own.
Measurable goal: once a day, give way or admit a mistake, on at least 5 of 7 days.
1. Traditional teaching
Weeks 7 and 8 looked outward to others. Week 9 turns back to ourselves: the self that wants to be first, to be right, to get the credit. The three traditions below all teach loosening that self, but for different reasons.
Taoism: like water, in the low place
[Traditional teaching] Chapter 8 of the Tao Te Ching uses water as an image of the follower of the Tao: water nourishes all things without contending, and accepts the low place that everyone avoids.
The highest excellence is like (that of) water. The excellence of water appears in its benefiting all things, and in its occupying, without striving (to the contrary), the low place which all men dislike. Hence (its way) is near to (that of) the Tao.
And when (one with the highest excellence) does not wrangle (about his low position), no one finds fault with him.
A note on context: paragraph 2 (not quoted) lists the excellence of a dwelling, of the mind, of friendships and of government. [Inference] In Taoism, taking the low place is not about humbling oneself painfully; it follows the natural working of the Tao, in which what is soft and low lasts.
Non-dual traditions (Bhagavad Gita): acting without the fruit
[Traditional teaching] In chapter 2, Krishna teaches Arjuna to do what is right without clinging to results, setting the self aside from action. This tradition calls that evenness yoga.
But thou, want not! ask not! Find full reward Of doing right in right! Let right deeds be Thy motive, not the fruit which comes from them. And live in action! Labour! Make thine acts Thy piety, casting all self aside, Contemning gain and merit; equable In good or evil: equability Is Yog, is piety!
A note on context: Edwin Arnold translated the Gita as verse and did not number the verses; the lines above correspond to verses 47–48 of chapter 2, among the most quoted verses of the Gita. [Inference] "Casting all self aside" here means not acting for the sake of results for oneself; this is the path of action (karma yoga). A reviewer from this tradition will say how it is commonly read.
Christianity: hold no one lower than yourself
[Traditional teaching] The Imitation of Christ (15th century) is one of the most widely read Christian devotional books. Chapter 2 of Book I is about thinking humbly of oneself.
That is the highest and most profitable lesson, when a man truly knoweth and judgeth lowly of himself. To account nothing of one’s self, and to think always kindly and highly of others, this is great and perfect wisdom. Even shouldest thou see thy neighbor sin openly or grievously, yet thou oughtest not to reckon thyself better than he, for thou knowest not how long thou shalt keep thine integrity. All of us are weak and frail; hold thou no man more frail than thyself.
A note on context: the book is attributed to Thomas à Kempis, a monk in the Netherlands. [Inference] Humility here stands before God: people know they are weak and need God's grace, and so do not set themselves up to judge others. The Christian reviewer will say how it is commonly read.
Where the traditions differ
[Expert judgement] All three teach putting ourselves less first. But they differ on these points:
| Taoism (Tao Te Ching 8) | Non-dual (Gita 2:47–48) | Christianity (Imitation I.2) | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Main image | Water in the low place, not contending | Doing right without claiming the fruit | Not thinking yourself better than others |
| Why | It is the natural working of the Tao | Unattached action is a path to liberation | People are weak and need God's grace |
| What is let go | The urge to contend and be on top | The wish to enjoy results for oneself | Pride and judging others |
[Expert judgement] Buddhism has the teaching of not-self (anattā): that is a claim about the nature of the "self", not the same as the virtue of humility here. This week does not compare the two in depth.
You do not need to accept the beliefs of any tradition to do this exercise, and the week should not be read as saying the three traditions are "really the same".
2. What science finds
- [Verified] A 2025 meta-analysis of 65 studies: more humble people reported slightly better health, life satisfaction and sense of meaning, and slightly less depression and anxiety. All the associations were small (correlations of about 0.06 to 0.20). This is a correlation, mostly from cross-sectional, self-report studies: we do not know whether humility makes people healthier, or healthier people find humility easier. (Lee et al. 2025)
- [Inference] We have not found any meta-analysis of the effects of humility training programmes; there are only a few small trials.
Limits: this week's exercise rests on traditional teaching; there is no trial evidence that it improves mental health. It does not replace treatment if you have a mental health problem.
3. Practice for adults
About 10 minutes a day.
- Read slowly (3 minutes). Choose one of the three passages. Read it slowly twice, the second time quietly aloud.
- Sit still (1 minute). Know the breath going in and out.
- Choose for the day (2 minutes, morning). Think ahead to one situation today: a meeting, a family meal, a conversation at home. Choose one of two things: - give way: let the other person finish speaking first, listen fully, then speak; - admit a mistake: if you got something small wrong, say plainly "I got this wrong" without a long explanation.
- Note it (3 minutes, evening). One line: "Today I ___. What did the self in me want at that moment?" Just notice; no scoring.
Note: [Expert judgement] humility is not running yourself down, not taking blame that is not yours, and not staying silent about wrongdoing. If you tend to blame yourself, this week practise only the half about "thinking kindly of others", and skip the half about "judging lowly of oneself".
4. Kids' corner 6+
Game: "Water runs to the low place" (5–10 minutes, with an adult playing too)
- Set a tray at a slight slope. The child drips a few drops of water at the high end.
- Watch together: where does the water go? (To the low place.)
- The adult says: "Water helps plants grow without showing off. Water is happy to run down to the low place."
- Think together of one "like water" thing for today: letting a sibling pick a toy first, letting a friend speak first.
Do not call the child "grabby" or "selfish". If the child gets bored, stop the game and wipe the tray together.
daynentang also has a lesson, Telling the truth, a lighter heart (in Vietnamese), for families with children aged 2–8.
5. Stop practising if
- You feel panic, have flashbacks of trauma, have a lasting sense that you or the world are "not real", lose sleep for several nights, or have thoughts of harming yourself.
- The exercise makes you run yourself down more, feel worthless, or afraid to say what you need.
- If so, stop and see Get help now.
- If you have a history of psychosis, bipolar disorder or severe PTSD, ask a doctor before increasing sitting time beyond 20 minutes.
6. Foundation skills on daynentang
daynentang has a lesson, Tử tế nơi làm việc (kindness at work), on everyday courtesy with colleagues. It is currently in Vietnamese only; your browser's translate option can help.
7. Practice for today
In your next conversation, wait until the other person has finished, count one breath silently, and only then reply.
Scientific sources
- Lee, McLaughlin, Bowes, Hook, Van Tongeren, Owen, Davis (2025). What is humility good for? A meta-analysis of humility, health, and well-being. The Counseling Psychologist, 53(6), 881–912. doi:10.1177/00110000251352566