Convergence 1 – Week 8: Forgiveness

Not yet trial-taught Not yet expert-reviewed

This week: read three short passages slowly, choose one mild or moderate hurt from the past, and write an unsent letter of forgiveness bit by bit.

Measurable goal: finish one unsent letter of forgiveness; rate your resentment from 0 to 10 on the first and last day of the week.

[Expert judgement] No tradition asks someone who was harmed to reconcile with a person who is still causing harm. This lesson is only for mild to moderate hurts that are in the past. Do not use it for harm from violence or abuse, or when the other person is still hurting you. In that case your safety comes first; see Get help now.

1. Traditional teaching

Week 7 practised wishing others well. Week 8 goes somewhere harder: letting go of resentment towards someone who has hurt us. The three traditions below all teach this, but whom forgiveness is for, and what it means, differ.

Buddhism: hatred is not ended by hatred

[Traditional teaching] The Dhammapada is a collection of short verses that many Buddhists know by heart. This tradition teaches that holding on to resentment harms oneself, and that the way to end the cycle of enmity is loving-kindness, not retaliation.

A note on context: [Inference] the verses just before (Dhp 3–4) say that anyone who keeps thinking "they abused me, they hit me" will not find their hatred calmed. So in this tradition letting go of resentment is first of all about one's own mind, not a gift to the other person.

Christianity: not seven times, but seventy times seven

[Traditional teaching] In the Gospel of Matthew, Peter asks Jesus how many times he must forgive. This tradition teaches that believers have been forgiven by God, and so are invited to forgive others, without setting a limit.

A note on context: right after this (18:23–35) comes the parable of the servant whose huge debt is cancelled by the king, but who will not cancel a small debt owed to him by a fellow servant. (Jesus' words continue into the parable, so the quotation mark stays open in the source.) [Inference] The parable shows that in this tradition forgiving others is bound up with having been forgiven by God. Churches read "seventy times seven" as "without limit"; the Christian reviewer will say how it is commonly read.

Islam: pardon, do you not wish that Allah should forgive you?

[Traditional teaching] Verse 22 of chapter 24 addresses people of means, advising them not to swear to cut off help to someone who has wronged them, but to forgive and overlook. This tradition teaches that whoever forgives others hopes to be forgiven by Allah.

A note on context: Muslim commentators generally link this verse to Abu Bakr, whose daughter Aisha had been slandered; he had sworn to stop supporting a relative who took part in spreading the slander, and after this verse he resumed his support. (The Vietnamese version of this page quotes this note from the QuranEnc translation.) [Inference] So the verse is about forgiving a real injury, not a trivial one. Pickthall's rendering is one interpretation of the meaning; Muslims generally regard only the Arabic as the Qur'an itself.

Where the traditions differ

[Expert judgement] All three teach letting go of resentment. But they differ on these points:

[Expert judgement] Judaism (not quoted this week) puts the emphasis on the one who did wrong: they must repent and make amends (teshuvah) and apologise to the person harmed; the person harmed is encouraged to forgive when the apology is sincere. That is yet another way of seeing it.

In all four traditions, forgiving does not mean forgetting, does not mean calling a wrong right, and does not require meeting or trusting the other person again. You do not need to accept the beliefs of any tradition to do this exercise, and the week should not be read as saying the traditions are "really the same".

2. What science finds

• [Verified] A 2014 meta-analysis of 54 research reports (2,323 people at the first measurement after treatment) on forgiveness programmes led by professionals: participants forgave clearly more than people with no treatment (Δ = 0.56; 95% confidence interval 0.43–0.68) and more than people given other treatments (Δ = 0.45). The programmes also reduced depression and anxiety and raised hope compared with no treatment. Longer programmes, and those done one-to-one, worked better. (Wade et al. 2014)
• [Inference] The programmes studied had a professional present and lasted several hours. A one-week exercise on your own is much lighter; for a serious hurt, work with a psychologist.

Limits: the figures are averages across many different studies and do not predict what will happen for any one person. This exercise does not replace treatment if you have a mental health problem.

3. Practice for adults

About 10–15 minutes a day.

Before you start: choose a hurt that is mild or moderate, and in the past, for example a harsh remark from a colleague or a friend who broke a promise. Do not choose harm from violence or abuse, or a person who is still hurting you.

1. Day 1: rate it (2 minutes). Write: "Today, my resentment about this is ___ out of 10."
2. Each day: read slowly (2 minutes) and sit still (1 minute). Choose one passage, read it slowly twice, then know the breath going in and out.
3. Each day: continue the letter (8–10 minutes). An unsent letter, for your eyes only. Write one part each day: - Days 1–2: what happened, and how it affected you. Be honest. - Days 3–4: what situation the other person may have been in. You do not need to excuse them; just see them as a whole person, not only as what they did. - Days 5–6: what you want to let go of, and what you still keep (for example: you still keep your distance, you still want an apology).
4. Day 7: rate it again (2 minutes). Write your resentment from 0 to 10 again. It is fine if the number has not gone down; forgiveness usually takes longer than a week.

Note: [Expert judgement] forgiving is not forgetting, is not calling a wrong right, does not require reconciliation, and does not stop you seeking justice or reporting wrongdoing. You can stop the exercise at any time.

4. Kids' corner 6+

Game: "Making up" (5–10 minutes, with an adult)

Use it after a small quarrel, for example two siblings fighting over a toy.

1. When both have calmed down, the adult sits with the two children.
2. Each child says one sentence: "At that moment I felt ___."
3. Together they think of a way to fix it: take turns, play together, swap to another toy.
4. The adult asks: "How do you feel now?"

Do not make a child say "sorry" or "I forgive you" before they are ready. Do not use this game for bullying, or when someone has hurt or frightened the child: then the adult must step in and protect the child.

daynentang also has a lesson, Owning and fixing mistakes (in Vietnamese), for families with children aged 2–8.

5. Stop practising if

• You feel panic, have flashbacks of trauma, have a lasting sense that you or the world are "not real", lose sleep for several nights, or have thoughts of harming yourself.
• Thinking about the hurt brings feelings that are too strong, or makes you blame yourself for what someone else did.
• You realise the hurt is bigger than you thought, or the other person is still hurting you.
• If so, stop and see Get help now.
• If you have a history of psychosis, bipolar disorder or severe PTSD, ask a doctor before increasing sitting time beyond 20 minutes.

6. Foundation skills on daynentang

daynentang has a lesson, Gọi tên cảm xúc, thở chậm (name the emotion, breathe slowly), on naming emotions, including anger, and calming the body. It is currently in Vietnamese only; your browser's translate option can help.

7. Practice for today

Think of something very small that annoyed you today. Say silently: "That annoyed me. I don't need to carry it with me until tonight."

Scientific sources

• Wade NG, Hoyt WT, Kidwell JE, Worthington EL (2014). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(1), 154–170. doi:10.1037/a0035268